Yeah, I — [ dolph clears his throat. he's not sure why he's still embarrassed. nervous. not after how far they've come. how comfortable they are with each other. in this space.
but this moment — he had planned for it so many months ago. rehearsed it over and over until it became a lost hope. ] — I wanted us to do it together. Take care of it together.
I know it's not the same as with — [ he falters again. he doesn't feel he can bring up knives. ] — I know it's not the same.
[ Oh... The expression Vash settles on after a few flicker over his face is one of concern, brows lifted and eyes a little wider. He shifts the way he's standing, moving so that he's more behind Dolph, his hands settling over Dolph's own where they're cradling the plant. When he talks, it's quiet. ]
I don't want it to be the same. [ He breathes in, tucking his face against Dolph's shoulder for a moment as his flesh and bone fingers brush over Dolph's prosthetic. It's funny how they're opposites in this way, though Vash's gaze is settled on the plant they're holding together. ]
I'd like it to be something we do. [ Just shared between the two of them. There's plenty of memories he can hold for the memory of his brother. But there's room for others. There's room for Dolph. ]
[ dolph can't help the sigh of relief that escapes. it's not that he expected rejection but this moment was built up in his head for so long, it was hard to imagine the outcome. for it to be real right now . . . he's glad.
dolph leans against him with a smile, tilting his head so he can press a light kiss to vash's cheek. ]
It's a darjeeling sapling. From my father's homeland. The leaves are used for tea.
[ dolph would shrug if he wasn't careful with his space at the moment. he manages a quiet hum. ]
There isn't much to mention. I don't remember anything else about him. Not his name or what he looks like. I was very young when Eden took me from the streets. They branded him as an immigrant thief.
[ a pause. the matter of his parents doesn't feel as heavy as alex or anything else because he was just too young. not their faces, not their voices. sometimes a smell or a taste will hit him with an impression, but it passes through his fingers like smoke.
he doesn't voice that his parents may have sold him. given him up. eden spread many lies but that was the problem. where was the lie and where was the truth? ]
[ Dolph only has to be careful with his space bc Vash is being a cliny little leech. He's quiet though, thoughtful. There's precious little that Dolph HAD back home, he knows this. He doesn't have memories of parents, either really.
Rem is the closest he had. ]
I wouldn't listen to what they had to say about him.
[ He should probably let Dolph go, but he feels content to stay like this, just holding on. ]
He can be anything you want him to be. Or he can just be the tea.
[ that sounds nice. maybe deep down, he wants to believe his parents had loved him. that they had no other option or he was just taken. it would be nice to know someone had. though it's painful too. loving dolph in eden never did anyone any favors.
he smiles faintly. ]
I like that idea. For now, just knowing the connection between him and this tea is enough.
[ At least he's honest. He certainly doesn't feel like he deserves anything more, but also more is too much maybe. ]
Between you and the time my presence is wanted at the Machiya... it's a lot of space. I have a lot of places I know I can be.
[ He'd made a lot of progress when he was here last. A lot of that progress remains, but while what he went home to was only a few hours, it's still a few hours that worked really hard to rip at the ribbons of progress everyone in Visium had worked to lace together. He shoves a smile on his face, apologetic. ]
[ it's a lot, he knows. what happened in vash's world. what he's still coming to terms with. he doesn't know what answers anyone can give or how anyone can help. it's hard because you don't want your trauma to seep into the spaces you share with others.
of course dolph knows. how could he not?
he moves closer, curling his hand around the back of vash's head to press their foreheads. ]
If that's what you need, that's fine. But if it gets too much . . . don't forget to reach out.
[ Every time Dolph has done this, it's felt grounding in a way that Vash doesn't really expect. He closes his eyes the moment their foreheads touch and exhales a breath through his nose.
Don't forget.
He'd nod, but instead, he exhales out a quiet hum. A long breath in, then out follows. ]
I'm not sure what I want. I'm doing my best to visualize it but . . . [ he sighs, shaking his head. visualizing it. believing in it. that's so much more than dolph has ever tackled on. before he just left it all to alex. strung himself along to that dream. ]
[ About what he wants. Vash isn't sure if that's the answer either, anyway. Wanting things is something he's still getting used to. Being wanted is no different and for a moment Vash is struck dumb. Oh. The tops of his ears turn pink almost immediately. ]
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but this moment — he had planned for it so many months ago. rehearsed it over and over until it became a lost hope. ] — I wanted us to do it together. Take care of it together.
I know it's not the same as with — [ he falters again. he doesn't feel he can bring up knives. ] — I know it's not the same.
But it'd be something new. We do together.
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I don't want it to be the same. [ He breathes in, tucking his face against Dolph's shoulder for a moment as his flesh and bone fingers brush over Dolph's prosthetic. It's funny how they're opposites in this way, though Vash's gaze is settled on the plant they're holding together. ]
I'd like it to be something we do. [ Just shared between the two of them. There's plenty of memories he can hold for the memory of his brother. But there's room for others. There's room for Dolph. ]
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dolph leans against him with a smile, tilting his head so he can press a light kiss to vash's cheek. ]
It's a darjeeling sapling. From my father's homeland. The leaves are used for tea.
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Darjeeling. [ He's going to be doing some reading, isn't he? That's fine. But more importantly, there's something else that Dolph's shared. ]
...You've never mentioned your father before.
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There isn't much to mention. I don't remember anything else about him. Not his name or what he looks like. I was very young when Eden took me from the streets. They branded him as an immigrant thief.
[ a pause. the matter of his parents doesn't feel as heavy as alex or anything else because he was just too young. not their faces, not their voices. sometimes a smell or a taste will hit him with an impression, but it passes through his fingers like smoke.
he doesn't voice that his parents may have sold him. given him up. eden spread many lies but that was the problem. where was the lie and where was the truth? ]
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Rem is the closest he had. ]
I wouldn't listen to what they had to say about him.
[ He should probably let Dolph go, but he feels content to stay like this, just holding on. ]
He can be anything you want him to be. Or he can just be the tea.
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[ that sounds nice. maybe deep down, he wants to believe his parents had loved him. that they had no other option or he was just taken. it would be nice to know someone had. though it's painful too. loving dolph in eden never did anyone any favors.
he smiles faintly. ]
I like that idea. For now, just knowing the connection between him and this tea is enough.
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It's a place to start.
[ He releases Dolph from his clingy koala hug, and steps back around. ]
I don't have anywhere to plant it yet, but maybe you can trust me to take care of it at the inn?
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Of course I trust you.
[ hold on. ]
You're staying at the inn?
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But uh oh. ]
Oh uh, yeah... It just felt more comfortable. It's what I'm more used to, you know?
[ Better than living with ghosts. ]
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But is it what you want?
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[ At least he's honest. He certainly doesn't feel like he deserves anything more, but also more is too much maybe. ]
Between you and the time my presence is wanted at the Machiya... it's a lot of space. I have a lot of places I know I can be.
[ He'd made a lot of progress when he was here last. A lot of that progress remains, but while what he went home to was only a few hours, it's still a few hours that worked really hard to rip at the ribbons of progress everyone in Visium had worked to lace together. He shoves a smile on his face, apologetic. ]
I don't want anyone to worry.
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of course dolph knows. how could he not?
he moves closer, curling his hand around the back of vash's head to press their foreheads. ]
If that's what you need, that's fine. But if it gets too much . . . don't forget to reach out.
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Don't forget.
He'd nod, but instead, he exhales out a quiet hum. A long breath in, then out follows. ]
I won't forget. I know.
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But you're welcome wherever I go.
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[ He reaches out to hold onto the little sapling with Dolph again, letting their fingers brush together. ]
I know I'm welcome. I- [ Crashing into Dolph's life just feels like too much. Needing too much, doing too much. ]
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I do know I want you.
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[ About what he wants. Vash isn't sure if that's the answer either, anyway. Wanting things is something he's still getting used to. Being wanted is no different and for a moment Vash is struck dumb. Oh. The tops of his ears turn pink almost immediately. ]
I don't have any plans to go anywhere else.
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Good.
Something will come to me. Eventually.