[ Eventually, Vash has everything that was on the toma laid over the bit of fencing near the three of them. He focuses on preening some feathers on the birds neck that it clearly can't get to itself, his expression a practiced neutral.
He can imagine what his brother's opinions on this particular wish might be, and Vash isn't all that keen on hearing them right now. ]
I've got some good memories around them so I figured it couldn't hurt. They're good birds, they like the grass.
If caring for these creatures distracts you from your indifference to our own kind, then by all means.
[He moves to inspect the saddle and bridle with the look of handling something unpleasant. The bite in his voice suggests he has plenty more opinions where that came from, but for now, most remain unvoiced. Needling at him slowly tends to be effective.]
It's not indifference, Nai. I care about them. I've tried to help them how I can.
[ Healing, talking to them when he gets the chance. He always comes running when he hears one of them crying out in pain. Vash focuses on petting the toma rather than the way his brother is already starting to get under his skin.
The toma seems to sense something brewing as it takes a step or two back, despite it being completely content to have its feathers preened only a moment or two before. A moment later and it's trotting off entirely, off to explore the rest of the open pen.
Vash frowns a little, suddenly lacking anything to do with his hands, so he winds up turning to watch his brother quietly. ]
[ His grasp on what little happiness he can find here in this place or in general is tenuous at best, and lately it seems to hinge largely on how the interactions between he and his brother are going. Tonight, it seems, is going to go badly.
As soon as the blade cuts through the leather bridle as easily as a knife through butter, Vash's confused expression shifts microscopically toward anger. He reaches out, shoving his brother with one hand while the other snatches the ruined bridle from his hands. It doesn't matter, it's ruined, but still. ]
What the hell Nai? What's that supposed to even mean?!
[Knives takes the shove and lets Vash snatch the bridle without resistance, but the look he levels him in return is scornful.] Must I spell it out for you?
Everything you claimed to care for was a lie. The lives you once claimed were precious, even the life of your own brother, are things you can discard here. Life's easier for you. So why not keep putting roots down?
[ The toma that had been chilling before is clear across the pen now, away from the pair of brothers currently engaged in whatever the hell this happens to be. Vash stares at Knives, his eyes slowly widening as his grip on the ruin bridle tightens.
Right. He can only imagine this has to be about their shared experience in the labyrinth months ago. Vash had tried his hardest to move past it, to avoid talking about it. The memory of it is still distressing enough. ]
I'm not lying. [ He says, the words barely loud enough to hear and almost petulant in tone. His brother's life does deeply matter to him, it's where most of his grief upon returning to this place had been settled. He's never cared what happens to himself, but his brother is different, other people are different. ]
I didn't know what else to do, Nai!! I made a mistake.
[ Vash moves with the shove, stepping back to maintain his balance. Lifting up his prosthetic arm, he pushes away his brother's own. He grits his teeth, pulling in a breath of cold air through his nose as he pushes down the emotion threatening to well up in his eyes.
Anger or sadness, he's not sure which one it is. Both maybe? It doesn't matter. In this instance, it's like he's back on that desert planet, with no right to cry. He doesn't manage to look at his brother, and his grip on the reins slackens enough that the leather is dangling on crooked fingers. ]
I've never cared what happened to me. I started to care, because people here cared.
[ Does that make him a hypocrite? Selfish? What should he have done instead? Is trying to be happy so wrong? ]
I've tried to reach out to you too, Nai. You're my brother. I was wrong for that choice in the labyrinth, I know that.
You've been reaching out to me out of guilt, and to convince me to stay! You haven't just given up on our brethren, but on the very humans you claimed to want to live alongside.
[He grabs Vash's jacket as if to force him to look at him. He won't let him take the coward's way out of this or hide behind crocodile tears.]
Even when you couldn't pick a side, at least you behaved as if life had value. Now, you don't stand for anything.
[ Knives' hands land on the collar of his jacket, fingers in the fabric and Vash raises his up to grab his brother's wrists tightly. He grimaces, teary eyed face snapping forward to scowl at his brother all over again. ]
What about the lives of the people here! They matter too! Their second chances matter. I'll live here with them until we can figure out a way we can ALL go back. You too.
[ There's nothing for Nai to go back to, and that too Vash still blames himself for. But then, quieter, from the small kernel of something that's been growing in his chest since he came back here: ]
[His eyes widen in disbelief.] Your idea of happiness has almost destroyed you. If I hadn't been there when the crystal threatened to consume you, then...
[Still incensed, another, more indeciperable expression crosses his face, and his grip on Vash's collar loosens. The memory still makes him furious, but more than that, more than anything--]
Listen to me, Vash. I refuse to let you throw your life away again.
[ There's something desperate and pathetically lost in Vash's expression the moment Knives finishes talking. From anyone else, perhaps Vash would find those words inspiring, or supportive. Instead, without intention, Vash feels a well of dread start to fill the pit of his stomach. ]
I won't let you throw away your second chance at it either.
[ There's a stubborn set to his jaw, despite the emotion scrawled along the way his brow pinches upward. His grip on his brother's wrists doesn't let up either. ]
[For a moment, Knives almost wonders if he'd talked sense into him. Then he says that, and he's quick to rip his wrists out of Vash's grip, as if recoiling in disgust.]
My killer doesn't get to lecture me on what I do with my life.
[ Oh. Like hitting the tail on a Prince Rupert's Drop, something breaks. ]
Yeah.
[ Vash doesn't say anything else. He turns, picks up the bag of feed and walks into the barn. Robotically, he cuts the bag open and lays a long line of feed into the central bin. He doesn't say anything; there are no more crocodile tears. ]
[Knives follows after him in silence, only to linger at the barn entrance like an unwelcome spirit. He seems like he's just observing at first, but soon Vash will hear the scrape of claws notching a deep groove into one of the doors. It will, he decides, serve as a reminder.]
We're going back. Until then, keep playing pretend all you like, Vash. It won't change the outcome.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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He can imagine what his brother's opinions on this particular wish might be, and Vash isn't all that keen on hearing them right now. ]
I've got some good memories around them so I figured it couldn't hurt. They're good birds, they like the grass.
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[He moves to inspect the saddle and bridle with the look of handling something unpleasant. The bite in his voice suggests he has plenty more opinions where that came from, but for now, most remain unvoiced. Needling at him slowly tends to be effective.]
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[ Healing, talking to them when he gets the chance. He always comes running when he hears one of them crying out in pain. Vash focuses on petting the toma rather than the way his brother is already starting to get under his skin.
The toma seems to sense something brewing as it takes a step or two back, despite it being completely content to have its feathers preened only a moment or two before. A moment later and it's trotting off entirely, off to explore the rest of the open pen.
Vash frowns a little, suddenly lacking anything to do with his hands, so he winds up turning to watch his brother quietly. ]
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[His claws emerge to slice through the leather of the bridle he'd been holding, levelling his attention back on Vash.]
Not that it matters. You'd happily be in hell itself, so long as it means you're still here.
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As soon as the blade cuts through the leather bridle as easily as a knife through butter, Vash's confused expression shifts microscopically toward anger. He reaches out, shoving his brother with one hand while the other snatches the ruined bridle from his hands. It doesn't matter, it's ruined, but still. ]
What the hell Nai? What's that supposed to even mean?!
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Everything you claimed to care for was a lie. The lives you once claimed were precious, even the life of your own brother, are things you can discard here. Life's easier for you. So why not keep putting roots down?
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Right. He can only imagine this has to be about their shared experience in the labyrinth months ago. Vash had tried his hardest to move past it, to avoid talking about it. The memory of it is still distressing enough. ]
I'm not lying. [ He says, the words barely loud enough to hear and almost petulant in tone. His brother's life does deeply matter to him, it's where most of his grief upon returning to this place had been settled. He's never cared what happens to himself, but his brother is different, other people are different. ]
I didn't know what else to do, Nai!! I made a mistake.
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[If the toma wasn't keeping its distance already, it definitely will be now, Knives shoving Vash in return with a snarl.]
Just admit it! You won't acknowledge anything that ruins your perfect little life here.
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Anger or sadness, he's not sure which one it is. Both maybe? It doesn't matter. In this instance, it's like he's back on that desert planet, with no right to cry. He doesn't manage to look at his brother, and his grip on the reins slackens enough that the leather is dangling on crooked fingers. ]
I've never cared what happened to me. I started to care, because people here cared.
[ Does that make him a hypocrite? Selfish? What should he have done instead? Is trying to be happy so wrong? ]
I've tried to reach out to you too, Nai. You're my brother. I was wrong for that choice in the labyrinth, I know that.
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[He grabs Vash's jacket as if to force him to look at him. He won't let him take the coward's way out of this or hide behind crocodile tears.]
Even when you couldn't pick a side, at least you behaved as if life had value. Now, you don't stand for anything.
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What about the lives of the people here! They matter too! Their second chances matter. I'll live here with them until we can figure out a way we can ALL go back. You too.
[ There's nothing for Nai to go back to, and that too Vash still blames himself for. But then, quieter, from the small kernel of something that's been growing in his chest since he came back here: ]
Is it really that wrong to want to be happy?
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[Still incensed, another, more indeciperable expression crosses his face, and his grip on Vash's collar loosens. The memory still makes him furious, but more than that, more than anything--]
Listen to me, Vash. I refuse to let you throw your life away again.
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I won't let you throw away your second chance at it either.
[ There's a stubborn set to his jaw, despite the emotion scrawled along the way his brow pinches upward. His grip on his brother's wrists doesn't let up either. ]
I'm sorry.
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My killer doesn't get to lecture me on what I do with my life.
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Yeah.
[ Vash doesn't say anything else. He turns, picks up the bag of feed and walks into the barn. Robotically, he cuts the bag open and lays a long line of feed into the central bin. He doesn't say anything; there are no more crocodile tears. ]
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We're going back. Until then, keep playing pretend all you like, Vash. It won't change the outcome.